The Day I Embraced My Rolls

I swore I was not going to say this out loud, but after talking to a dear friend tonight who has given me wings from the first day we met because of his authenticity, I really had no choice but to be real.

There was a turning point in my life not that long ago.....the day I decided to "embrace my rolls." Hahaha!!! I had lost A LOT of weight and truly felt amazing, but still wasn't exactly where I wanted to be. This ethereal, most likely unrealistic, goal was always LOOMING a little out of reach. As a FORMER perfectionist and somewhat obsessive compulsive personality, "unreached goals" had a tendency to not only rule my life, but to simultaneously mock my very existence. I felt really good, but always knew I could and should be better. For years, this kept me from living fully in the moment.

It's like I resented the "process" because it made me feel weak and like a failure. I am a pastor for crying out loud. I lead people into the Presence of God in worship. I have amazing messages entitled, "Living Beyond Survival" and "Love Him, Love You, Love Them", yet was barely surviving the journey myself because of the shame of not attaining victory over the "hard" stuff. I counseled people with these issues and saw them actually get free!!!! I felt like such a hypocrite.

Then one morning it happened.... I heard God calling my name as I began to stir before sun-up. The Heavens opened. An angel feather drifted down from my ceiling. The air was thick with the glory cloud I had always asked for. The faint song of the Heavenly hosts drifted into my dreams. Jewels began appearing on my comforter..... Actually NONE of that is even remotely true. 

I woke up really groggy because of eating way too many chips with salsa the night before. The wind was obnoxiously whistling through my window. Some left-over mascara had found it's way into my eyeballs, causing everything to be really blurry. My hair was a curly tangled mess of hairspray and yesterday's NYC wind. And my left arm felt like pins and needles from laying on it wrong. Truly....a sight to behold.

BUT....something had happened. I was done. I tumbled out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror at those unflattering, yet persistent rolls. I stared at two blue eyes surrounded by tiny lines that I knew came from excessive amounts of laughter, as well as a few tears. I giggled at the size of my hair. I shook my head at the orange sweatshirt, pink velour pants 3 sizes too big, and blue and purple striped fuzzy socks. Then the miracle......I began to bless me. I began to love me. I began to be really impressed with me. I began to tell ME how proud I was of the woman I had become. I thanked God for making me the way I was. I honored Him for giving me life and loving me the way He does.

What if today you decided to LOVE the "perfect mess" that you are....flaws and all? What if you decided to see yourself through Jesus' eyes, even in the midst of the process? What if you were WAY MORE PERFECT than you ever realized?

I have in no way given up. I work out and eat right, and still have some weight to loose. I wear fun make-up, doll up my hair, and wear my favorite jeans 3 days in a row. I embrace my rolls and the fact that I am an amazing 41 year old woman who refuses to let life, mistakes, people, mishaps, delays, or a few pounds define who I am NOW. I stopped letting the "unreached goal" steal my smile in the moment. I fell in love....with me. I let myself entertain the idea that one day I will be loved, accepted, cherished and adored....process and all, all the while knowing that my Creator has already done all of that.

Love, Carrots, Puddles, Cowboy Boots and Santa

Yesterday, I walked in the rain and snow on a grey somewhat yucky day in NYC. I had to make a conscious effort to pull my thoughts out of the murky puddles my boots were constantly dodging. Have you ever had your brain, your heart, your memories and your dreams all play tug of war in your head? It honestly makes me laugh...at me...at life's funny turn of events...at the journey I couldn't control even if I were the real life super hero I sometimes pretend I am. The fact is that most of the time, I am just a silly girl at the end of the day trying to micromanage the impossible land of love.

As much as I wish I were ridiculously eloquent...head-turning classy...overwhelmingly brilliant...impressively disciplined...and mind-blowingly creative 100% of the time... I am simply...me. The great thing about it is that I do have bouts of all of these on occasion, which makes for fun stories and a few good photos. At 41 going on 29, I have finally learned to not take myself quite so seriously, laugh like it's my full time job, and love like crazy.


Years ago, that would not have been good enough for me. I would lay in bed at night and agonize over everything I wasn't...all that was out of order...and all that should have already been accomplished. Instead of being inspired by the creativity around me, I felt cheated by the colors that were always dangling in front of me like that illusive carrot never quite in my reach. My dreams sounded more like the sinister laugh of that grade school bully who had a sadistic way of showing he "liked" me. Remember him? I still want to kick him in the shin sometimes. Hahahaha!

Back to my day in NYC. As I skillfully alluded the puddles while seeking refuge, I began to watch the stories in "people suits" around me. There was the chain smoking executive who was trying to breath in a moment of calm, but missing the point altogether as he stood freezing in the rain. Then, the confident beautiful woman with naturally curly hair, perfect make-up, and clothes that obviously came from Park Ave, who was walking the streets in no less than 4 inch heels. It was almost as if the puddles parted for her. (I had to laugh as I looked down at my scuffed up cowboy boots and $20 jeans.) 

Then, there was him and her. At first glance he looked like Santa, but with a few accessories. He had stark white hair and a beard that was double braided and hung well past his belt. He was accompanied by a sweet lady looking to be in her late 60's. They also took refuge from the weather in the diner where I sat. Trying to be as "un"stalkerish as possible, I leaned in to hear their conversation and steal as many glances as I could. They never took their eyes off each other. That beautiful man had a smile on his face the entire time he drank in every word that came from her lips. They wrecked me!

My heart was pulled into the reality of love that doesn't always make sense. The kind of love that isn't free of murky puddles or even grey rainy days. Love that doesn't need an outside stimulant to get a moment of peace. The flavor of love that can most certainly look like a Park Ave socialite on one side of the street and a simple Texas transplant on the other. The dreamiest of all loves that locks your eyes, your ears, and your heart on the one in front of you where everything else just fades away. Then the greatest love that helps you fall in love with you, your colors, even your carrots, and your dreams.

Love is just brilliant...so perfect...so full of life...so fun...so powerful...so free of fear. Love is the land this simple silly girl has chosen to become a permanent resident in that leaves a smile on my lips and a curious twinkle in my eyes. This land has seasons that are not always controllable, but always definable. Love just is. Simply....I love this life, this land, and I love love.

The Motorcycle and the Moon

Tonight I played hide and seek with the moon while flying on a shiny red motorcycle. I hid behind trees, expecting to see "him" at the next turn of the road only to find "he" had disappeared behind the clouds for a brief moment. The constant knowing that "he" was always there, whether I could see him or not, reminded me of LOVE...the real kind...the pure kind...the relentless kind...the pursuing kind...the kind that looks like the ONE who created the moon.

There is something so peaceful about having the wind dance wildly around you, while your thoughts get caught up spinning in the confines of that motorcycle helmet. If the walls of my helmet could talk, they would have LOTS to say about what happens on that perfect road, lit up by thousands of stars and the fullest moon you've ever seen. There are secrets that make my eyes smile even when my lips don't move. There are stories that long to be translated to paper and shared with others. There are songs that sing themselves and ask for the happy accompaniment of my heart. There are dreams that make me giggle even though no one else can hear them. What happens in that helmet...stays in that helmet! (That is unless my Blog wins out over keeping all of the special moments to myself!)

You see...I am a romantic...in every sense of the word. I am totally and absolutely preoccupied with LOVE. There is only one thing in this world that has a perfect success rate, and that is what holds my affection, my dreams, my reality, and my everything. I am not talking about just "ushy, gushy romantic love"...although, I am not excluding it either. I am talking about the LOVE that sets you up for the collision that rescues you, prophecies your future, redirects your affection, and sets you up for never ending surprises all in one PERFECTLY ORDAINED MOMENT.

Something happens to someone who has an encounter with the kind of LOVE that makes them believe in something they have never experienced in the natural sense. Everything changes when you can truly fall in love with yourself...good, bad, and ugly. You can actually begin to see how Jesus was moved with the kind of compassion that opened the door for signs and wonders. The walls come crashing down. You realize how much of your past was ruled by fear and that you are never going back to that love-less place. You suddenly have "super human" power to fly higher than any man made superhero in the box office.

Then, the best thing happens...You become like a sponge; a "hungry hippo"; a spoiled rotten son or daughter of the King; an empowered child who expects nothing less than perfect love to chase them down, win them over, lead them, and surround them. You dream the dreams that fools talk about and make really smart people roll their eyes, but secretly desire. You want to love and be loved more than anything...so you just do it. 

You become like a girl who decided to stop being afraid of riding motorcycles and begin making memories, taking pictures, and saying yes to things that would require unprecedented trust.  

The Ceiling...The Floor...The Heroes

This morning I saw a picture of an amazing floor that was made up of the most exotic and beautiful woods I had ever seen. You could get lost in the maze-like grains that looked like a masterpiece with every step you took. When you dared lift your eyes from the beauty right below you, you could see miles of peaks and valleys, all taking you to new heights in every direction.

The closer I looked, the more I realized this floor was alive. Then God began to show me the multitudes of heroes that make up my life from my past and in my now. Their ceiling had provided the perfect floor where I am allowed to run, dance, play, work, and live with a green light.

Some will show you a mirror that helps you fall in love with you. Some will inspire you to count the stars. Some will make you want to be better. Some will make you long for your solo act to become a team. Some will make you laugh and then laugh some more. Some will make you feel safe to jump off cliffs. Some will grow your family. Some will make you hope they will be there until the very end. Some will swoop in for one glorious encounter and leave an impression that turns into a tattoo you don't want to hide. Some will leave, and that's OK, because the moment you had never will. Some will capture your heart and protect it. Some will make you smile and wish for the fairytale to come and invade your reality. Some will give you license to fly just watching them do somersaults on earth and in the sky. Some will make you sigh and shrug your shoulders in awe. Some will sneak into your dreams and make you not want to wake up. Some will require a risk, but be completely worth it. Some will listen to your stories with sheer excitement and not let you know it's the third time you have told them. Some will push you to tears because they know you have more in you. Some will think you are completely nuts and entirely brilliant at the same time. Some will see way more in you than you are able to see and hold you to it. Some couldn't see you ugly on your worst day and the ones who do, don't even care. Some will show you in brilliance what Jesus looks like, because they just look like Him.

My heroes...all so vital to the journey.

I am the wealthiest woman alive with friends and family who have seen the greatness in me and have never let me settle for anything less. This is my dream....that my ceiling could be your floor, your springboard, your trampoline, your runway, your launching pad, and your safety net...that the Jesus you see in me would transcend what I can or can't do in the natural and be the inspiration you have been to me.

Playing "Follow the Leader"

I have been looking back at many of the FORMING moments in my life since moving to my "City of Glory" (NYC) in 2008. The day I said "yes" to something so foreign, yet strangely familiar, everything changed. Even as God knew me before the foundation of the world, it's like there was a homing device in the deepest part that drew me to this place where me and my dreams would come alive. Every step of the way, every mishap, every blip, every adventure, and every turn is what makes up a somewhat chaotic looking road-map, which is as perfect as the Leader I was following.

One of the highlights is a bleak, grey, and rainy day when I was walking on a NYC street I had never been, unusually alone, and with tears streaming down my face, hidden by a well placed umbrella. As a girl who is constantly dreaming, creating, laughing, and living a romantic comedy in my mind, I was strangely numb and a little scared of "the next." The scenes were not playing out exactly like I imagined and I began to ask a lot of questions. Avoiding potholes filled with muddy water and remembering to not stand within "splash range" of the taxis, helped to distract me from the task at hand of being a little too introspective.

At that moment, "Show Me Your Glory" came exploding through my headphones and I listened to "I see the cloud, and I step in" over and over again. Then it was there. There was a thicker cloud under that umbrella than any of the ones covering the tops of buildings. His Presence enveloped me from head to toe and words were no longer needed. The answers mysteriously found their way to my heart. The joy that functions like my skin began to do it's job. The great city whose streets I adored began to pull a greatness out of me that looked like compassion as His smile covered me like liquid love.

On those streets, I began a journey to learn how to really trust that my Maker had not forgotten how He had created me. It was He who had put the impossible dreams and desires inside the very fiber of my being. He had only to look at me once with those perfect eyes and I was forever a "yes man" to Him. We began creating a new history that would unlock levels of passion as they were needed. Fear couldn't stand a chance with such massive amounts of love swirling me.

That grey day had more color and life than the first day of spring and all of a sudden I wasn't afraid to dream even bigger, walk more streets I had never been on before, and play my favorite game, "Follow the Leader."

Sometimes Concrete Looks Like Gold

Tonight I walked up 8th avenue towards 42nd on the same concrete streets I have walked nearly every week over the last year. I wore a huge smile on my face and carried a melody I haven't ever heard before in my ears. There have been interesting moments on these walks when I pulled my bag in a little closer and just watched with a little more intention, then there are nights like tonight when I could have sworn I was walking alone on bricks of gold. I honestly couldn't tell you if there was anyone else on the streets tonight, although there are the faint sounds of impatient cabbies in my far memory bank.

It's like I could see more clearly in the unseen than what was actually there around me. I am finding this "transition" happening more frequently as the realm of the Spirit becomes more and more real. This Creator, who knows every intricate facet of my being, is weaving a brilliant plan, all the while directing my path and leading me from one surprise to the next here in the natural.

A few days ago in another fairy-tail world deep in the Caribbean, I laid in the middle of a heli-pad on a gigantic cruise ship watching shooting stars until after midnight and talked about things I want to do that would take at least 3 lifetimes to accomplish. With the exception of the rocking of the boat, the "place" He took me felt very similar to my "streets of gold" in NYC tonight.

There is a land I live in deep in the heart of my Father where dreams come true...love explodes like a volcano with no fear or hindrance...buildings have my name on the mailbox...people come in mass to get free and get happy...creators make stuff without limit or fear...dancers use every square inch of their body to mimic the wind...stadiums are filled with sounds that wrap every person like a cocoon and leaves them no choice but to emerge with gigantic wings...daughters let their Father define the treasure they are before anyone else can tell them a lie...sons learn the art of pursuit in His Presence...mothers and fathers never grow old, but just get better and better at teaching us how to tie our shoes...and romance leaks into every thought, dream, and reality.

That is the "place" where I live and exist. Sometimes it looks like a cruise ship. Sometimes it looks like a golden street under a concrete disguise in New York City. Sometimes it is in the eyes of the one who makes you feel like a million bucks. Sometimes it is in the laughter of a friend who gets you and even in the questioning face of the one who doesn't. Sometimes it is in a yellow diamond that will someday hopefully find it's way home. Sometimes it is in the risky plan of a new friend who is crazy enough to go for really big ridiculous stuff.

This Land...This Place...This Man...This Creator...This Love...is more real to me than the chair I am sitting in. It's good. I like it. You should definitely hang out there.

The Day God Looked Like Nick

So, I am on a forever journey of learning, looking, laughing, and loving. Some days I still feel like this little blonde hair, blue eye'd toddler standing up on the front seat of my parent's car on long trips across Texas, talking incessantly and asking questions that are as bottomless as the sea. (Don't judge them...there were no laws about such things back then.) The funny thing about the questions I ask is that many of them will be forgotten in the not so far future, because it's way more about discovery in the moment for me.

On Sunday afternoon, I had the loveliest Brunch with one of my favorite people. While waiting for our table, we occupied a bench on the Upper East side and prophesied over a young mommy and her perfect baby girl. With tight hugs to complete strangers, she thanked us for the "good thoughts" and our hearts melted knowing they both had encountered REAL LOVE that would mark them forever. We went on to do typical "girl" things which usually aren't my bag, but somehow felt entirely perfect on this Mothers Day. We drank Chocolate Chai Wedding Tea, ate 3 kinds of gourmet scones among other really fattening foods, and giggled...a lot.

But what really moved me about this day and prompted my writing tonight was Nick. He just happened to be our waiter and the willing recipient of a barrage of questions that would have us feeling like family within 3 minutes. Nick literally danced in and out of our atmosphere with a smile that pulled you into his world, all the while never missing a beat keeping our plates and cups full. He had really beautiful eyes that sparkled with gold flecks as he talked about his passions and the joy he took in doing whatever it takes to make it here in the "big city." Somehow in this small space, he even found room for a glorious high kick that totally won my heart and reminded me of why I love this city so much.

Being the inquisitive "child" that I am, and being the open book that he was, I found myself getting answers way beyond what he was saying. We of course left him with an awesome tip and lots of "good thoughts" as we pulled greatness out of this MAN OF GOD and amazing Father, who just doesn't know it yet.

Later that evening as I was preparing to lead worship, all I could think about was how Nick was created in God's image. I had seen facets of God in him, that young mother, and that perfect baby girl that I would have never seen had I not met them and asked questions about their lives. As I worshiped with songs I have sung 1000 times, I saw this laughing God with gold flecks in His eyes take great delight in my questions, giving me more than I asked for, and showering me with favor, love, high kicks, and hugs.

Worship was different Sunday night. I saw New York City and the entire world in that room. I saw glimpses of the BRIDE that I had never seen. I saw facets of this awesome God and Creator who I love and adore that I hadn't seen before. It left me completely undone and took me places in His heart I hadn't gone before. That is where I have stayed since then.....undone and totally in love.