The Day I Embraced My Rolls

I swore I was not going to say this out loud, but after talking to a dear friend tonight who has given me wings from the first day we met because of his authenticity, I really had no choice but to be real.

There was a turning point in my life not that long ago.....the day I decided to "embrace my rolls." Hahaha!!! I had lost A LOT of weight and truly felt amazing, but still wasn't exactly where I wanted to be. This ethereal, most likely unrealistic, goal was always LOOMING a little out of reach. As a FORMER perfectionist and somewhat obsessive compulsive personality, "unreached goals" had a tendency to not only rule my life, but to simultaneously mock my very existence. I felt really good, but always knew I could and should be better. For years, this kept me from living fully in the moment.

It's like I resented the "process" because it made me feel weak and like a failure. I am a pastor for crying out loud. I lead people into the Presence of God in worship. I have amazing messages entitled, "Living Beyond Survival" and "Love Him, Love You, Love Them", yet was barely surviving the journey myself because of the shame of not attaining victory over the "hard" stuff. I counseled people with these issues and saw them actually get free!!!! I felt like such a hypocrite.

Then one morning it happened.... I heard God calling my name as I began to stir before sun-up. The Heavens opened. An angel feather drifted down from my ceiling. The air was thick with the glory cloud I had always asked for. The faint song of the Heavenly hosts drifted into my dreams. Jewels began appearing on my comforter..... Actually NONE of that is even remotely true. 

I woke up really groggy because of eating way too many chips with salsa the night before. The wind was obnoxiously whistling through my window. Some left-over mascara had found it's way into my eyeballs, causing everything to be really blurry. My hair was a curly tangled mess of hairspray and yesterday's NYC wind. And my left arm felt like pins and needles from laying on it wrong. Truly....a sight to behold.

BUT....something had happened. I was done. I tumbled out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror at those unflattering, yet persistent rolls. I stared at two blue eyes surrounded by tiny lines that I knew came from excessive amounts of laughter, as well as a few tears. I giggled at the size of my hair. I shook my head at the orange sweatshirt, pink velour pants 3 sizes too big, and blue and purple striped fuzzy socks. Then the miracle......I began to bless me. I began to love me. I began to be really impressed with me. I began to tell ME how proud I was of the woman I had become. I thanked God for making me the way I was. I honored Him for giving me life and loving me the way He does.

What if today you decided to LOVE the "perfect mess" that you are....flaws and all? What if you decided to see yourself through Jesus' eyes, even in the midst of the process? What if you were WAY MORE PERFECT than you ever realized?

I have in no way given up. I work out and eat right, and still have some weight to loose. I wear fun make-up, doll up my hair, and wear my favorite jeans 3 days in a row. I embrace my rolls and the fact that I am an amazing 41 year old woman who refuses to let life, mistakes, people, mishaps, delays, or a few pounds define who I am NOW. I stopped letting the "unreached goal" steal my smile in the moment. I fell in love....with me. I let myself entertain the idea that one day I will be loved, accepted, cherished and adored....process and all, all the while knowing that my Creator has already done all of that.